I had a very challenging week this week. There are some experiences that really demand you evolve into a higher functioning being. And once again, relationship heartbreak has become the most sobering and epiphany baring experience. I had a weekend gig in Costa Rica, flying in Friday afternoon, performing Saturday night, traveling back today Sunday. I treated myself to things I rarely do on these trips. I had a massage on the beach and bought myself a t-shirt. Even though it’s the end of the dry season, it’s a beautiful place. Even though someone may have stolen a hundred dollar bill out of my wallet, possibly a hotel employee, I let it go, because I believe in karma, and that during this week of extreme emotional challenges, I stay steadfast in my conviction of my purpose. I have work to do. And I’m going to do it while riding the edge of my fears and penetrating as much of life as I can, absorbing all of the pleasure and pain.
Treading water with all my might
Watching it rise above my sight.
How many ships’ll pass in the night
Til I take one into the light?
The expectation of heaven
The disappointment of hell
Instead of sharing my life with another to tell
Class hatred was not going to solve my problem. Simply accusing silly dancing rich white guys for sustaining the stereotypes that kept me down, and having racist tendencies and soulful shallowness, would at best just make them defensive and self-conscious. It took almost forty years to realize I had to get better at making friends instead of alienating people and turning them off with my judgmental anger. This applied to general coalition building and to becoming less miserable and lonely in my own life. I just had to reconcile the rebellious, wanting to special, side of me with the practical inclusive loving side. The rebellious side fantasized about being part of an apocalyptic rebellion at these parties, leading a violent charging tidal wave of differently oppressed peoples over the golf green, raiding all country clubs and cocktail hour, eventually forcing them to yield to my artistic angst and transfer more of their wealth to me. The loving side wanted to show them the power they could feel and express if they gave themselves a chance.